hopes for this year
The last Monday of 2025, I asked my therapist why I was doomed to perpetuate these damaging cycles of relating. For some reason, I needed to wonder why I kept feeling guilty for asking for things I need to be in relation to others. It's something that I am unpacking after a few years of tenuous friendships and rebuilding my life and career from scratch. I was facetious about some of my desires, and to be honest, when I really want something, I tend to keep things quiet. I don't want to invest more into something if there's a possibility I can't have it. I tend to mitigate my disappointment before it can ever bloom into a full-fledged feeling.
The idea of wanting something so bad you're preparing for the inevitable rejection feels limiting, but is what my therapist deemed is a safety mechanism for myself to inevitably protect myself from disappointment. Yet, I still do it anyway, because it's a learned response, a default defense in order to mitigate strong negative feelings.
I alluded to a couple of my hopes in the year-end roundup, but wanted to write a lengthier post about it... because reflection is good? So here's me blabbing about what my hopes are for 2026!
I'd like to be more honest, vulnerable and open with myself and the world around me. I think the last two years have been a lesson in metamorphosis and interrogating the changes behind the process. I spent the majority of my life lying to others, omitting or changing various truths for my convenience, and then feeling guilt and shame about it when I finally blew up because I was hiding all of my feelings in deference to the other party(ies.)
I'd like to develop a more consistent writing practice and voice. My mentor says that one of my strengths is that I'll never write the same thing twice but I'm questioning if that's an asset or not, due to the fact that, y'know... people tend to buy things from people if it's a reliable voice. And, I don't know, I'm unsure of what I want to truly sound like on paper. But I know I'm ready for it.