i am cringe and i am free
blogging seems pointless
so i do it so much less now
Over the last few years, I've slowly become more averse to posting my thoughts unprompted on the internet, for everyone to see. I don't know why. It's not like people actually sit down and engage with my work (at least not anymore, anyway.) In fact, one of the reasons I stopped my newsletter is because the pressure if performing for others out in the open became more... dangerous for me?
living in amerikkka (ruins everything)
I'm not super anonymous here, but I did want to point out that I am living in America during a time that sucks for anyone who isn't a cisgender, heterosexual white man (or, at least appears to be one. If you've been stuck under a rock, you may have missed the bimbofication of one Bryon Noem) and if you saw a picture of me, you would know that I am decidedly anything but those things. Now, my newsletter had a modicum amount of success on Substack. I grew it to just over 500 active and engaged readers over the years I had it. It doesn't seem like a lot given the metrics people tout on that platform, but for someone just throwing their bullshit to the wind, imagining 500 people are viewing my work and engaging with it in ways I can't even comprehend felt overwhelming.
some issues i had with sharing at a constant frequency
- The consistency and pressure felt overwhelming to keep up with, especially as my writing career has grown more fruitful and successful.
- Because of #1, it was hard for me to discern what was a newsletter vs. what should have been an essay or story. (I am still learning the difference, but I think the informality of the former, esp. now that I no longer write said newsletter, has been gratifying for me.) And because most publications want to have the first rights to your work, anything previously posted on a blog or, say, a substack newsletter, was no longer fair game.
- Substack is a dying platform trying to be everything everywhere all at once.
- Oh yeah, they also platformed N**is... Or rather, continue to platform? Yuck.
- Similar to #2 on this list, I began to see a therapist more intensely over the last year or two. I've even added adjunctive therapies to that per my primary therapist's suggestion. (Do you see where this is going?) I process things best verbally, so writing has always been a coping mechanism for me. All that said, I was doing way more journalling because of all the shit going on, and it became quite clear to me that most of my "posts" were better off as journal entries to keep for myself.
And therein lies the rub, my friends. There are many things I'd rather be doing instead of writing 500+ words once a week, and I'm now doing them. Instead of being perpetually online, like I was when I was growing up (that was by necessity, since I wasn't really allowed much freedom outside of the home,) I've become focused on enjoying outdoor pleasures. AKA Things that take me outside my apartment. Though I'm not afraid of blogging, per say, I am saving those most vulnerable parts of me for something else.
Instead, I'm more about being honest and concise (that's a lie though, becuase I've written about 586 words at this point. Almost 600 by the time I finish this sentence) and I will keep being cringe and that makes me FREE
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